Month: June 2015

It wasn’t one of my bucket list goals to undergo surgery or improve my physical appearance, but hey, we’re all a little vain. And although vanity wasn’t the sole reason for the surgery I had last week (there was medical necessity pre-empting it), it played a part in its results.

What have I learned through this experience? Well, I’m tougher than I thought. I can be a real emotional basket case, but when it comes to physical pain, I’m a pretty tough cookie. I’ve told myself for months that this was a minor surgery, but realistically, much of my face came off my body, muscles and bones were adjusted and broken, I was spitting blood upon awakening, my eyes were swollen shut, my mouth was cut wide open from the inside, and I still have tubes up my nose. And guess what? My surgery was Tuesday, and I worked Thursday and Friday. And I’m starting my new job tomorrow.

“Hi, everyone! Meet the resident monster! She comes equipped with whisker stitches, a splint, and two black eyes.”

I’ve also learned a lot about the people I love. I didn’t originally share news of the procedure beyond “need-to-know,” but those who did know brought me flowers and care packages (much love to Abi and Greg), my parents came out to take care of me and cater to my near-constant demands for hot tea, and Brandon even made me icebox cake. Alice hasn’t left my side for 5 straight days. And also, bonus lesson – post-surgery pictures are an AWESOMELY FUN way to freak out everyone on your phone contact list.

Being able to breathe more easily and enjoying the outer effects of an improved appearance will be nice once all these stupid side effects wear off. And frankly, I can’t wait to enjoy my first glass of wine in more than a week (how pregnant people do it, I’ll never know). But even beyond the bucket list, I’m continuing to grow, proud of my strength, and only slightly embarrassed by the depths of my own vanity. Hey, we can’t all be saints.

Seriously, though, someone please take these tubes out of my nose.

My head hurts like a mofo and I’m bleeding out of every facial orifice, but today is a beautiful, perfect day. Hurray for equality! And love to all!

You have the chance to completely reinvent yourself, she said. Everything in your life is evolving. Become the person you want to be.

To sleep, a deep sleep, a dreamless sleep… this is what I look forward to tomorrow. The sleep I’ve been aching for for months. The rest my body needs. And the reawakening my spirit requires.

See you when I wake, folks.

I’m back in the game again.

Blind fury being an excellent motivator, I broke my two-mile running record yesterday at the gym. And I beat the living shit out of a punching bag, for extra good measure.

Today, I bought my new scooter (!!!), a 2014 electric blue Buddy with only 300 miles on it. I’m calling him Nedward. And I’m already in love.

Later, I discovered in the car that I still remember every single word of Skid Row’s “Slave To the Grind” album, and I was refreshingly surprised the lyrics held up to about 70% of the “amazingness” I believed in at age 15. I mean, for a band that doesn’t get a ton of respect, Baz has some serious pipes and Rachel Bolan has some serious songwriting talent.

Finally, I spent the evening celebrating my dad with 5/6ths of my family, and was reminded of one of the many important things in life: my awesome parents and siblings. And that’s not so bad.

Another of my favorites from Hedwig, beautifully performed by Lena Hall.

Cervantes, as time has told, may have been wiser than us all.

I’ve been reflecting on a book I read years ago; one I didn’t even particularly enjoy but has that sticky quality that haunts you forever. I finally know why: I’ve pieced it together. Call it latent analysis.

Don Quixote isn’t just an imaginary man designed around self indulgence and becoming the hero of his own story, leveraging Sancho Panza selfishly to fulfill his destiny. He is an archetype of the worst kind of human being: the narcissist.

But what Don Quixote must come to terms with across his thousand page journey is that, for all the pining and searching and longing, there is no Dulcinea, the goal he has been sacrificing his life to reach. Like all narcissists, he has set himself up as both the hero and the victim and played each to its fullest ability, using others as needed along the way. All the while, he wears a mask of bravado even though he truly has no idea where he’s going. In his own mind, he has it all figured out: but we readers both pity and see through him. If only it were that easy to spot in real life.

Resultingly, Don Quixote is both one of the easiest characters in fiction to love and to hate. His naive innocence in finding his Dulcinea endears us to him, but his selfishness and single-sightedness turn our hearts to stone. We end up rooting for Panza.

We all must remind ourselves that there is no Dulcinea, there is only the journey you take with the ashes you scatter along the way. We can’t be so focused on our own ends that we forget everyone else’s means.

We must stop always dreaming the impossible dream. Because there’s a lot of wreckage that can get left in the wake.

Irreverent as always and stealing a few lyrics… I call the playlist “Old School Butch.”

Portions for Foxes – Rilo Kiley

Red – Taylor Swift

Ring of Fire – Johnny Cash

Save Me – Bleu

Easy To Be Hard – Hair Revival Cast 2007

Evaporated – Ben Folds

Shut Up and Dance – Walk the Moon

Fresh Blood – Eels

You To Thank – Ben Folds

Ring of Keys – Fun Home Original Cast

Losing My Religion – Lacuna Coil cover of REM

Fake Plastic Trees – Radiohead

Whatsername – Green Day/American Idiot Original Cast