Sometimes your harshest critics are those you love. Last night, I was proverbially “called on my shit,” and I wasn’t aware I had shit to be called on. To me, my ongoing journey has been a window into my life; perhaps too honest at times, but rarely different from anyone else’s other than that I’d put stated goals behind it. I’d never looked at it as a sign of weakness.
You can’t please everyone in this world, including yourself. I’ve had plenty of long nights fearful of the next day, harsh conversations with the mirror, moments of quiet, furious judgment that I am “less than.” I further make myself vulnerable by leaving that wound open, gaping, ready for the world to pour salt into it on this blog. Fortunately, most of the world has chosen to either ignore or embrace it.
I think we all need a dose of reality sometimes. My ego can sometimes get out of control, even amid all the insecurities. I can be a seeker in all the worst ways. I can be unhealthy against by better judgment.
But he who is without sin isn’t, unfortunately, always the first to cast the stone. Here I am, stupidly thinking I’m on a mission to better myself, but I forget that it leaves me open to the world’s interpretation. I’m no Ryan Gosling, ducking away from paparazzi, but I leave my life an open book to be read as one wishes. And maybe that’s not such a good thing.
So with that said, I’m taking a break from the blog for a while. I’m going to continue to better myself, but privately. Because I think that’s what normal people do. And for the record:
- I’m aware I’ve gained weight recently. Thanks for noticing. It’s funny how that happens with age, job transitions, a fluctuating emotional state, and an unhealthy lifestyle. Fortunately, I’m entirely ignoring the problem – in fact, I did it on purpose and I look forward to watching the scale grow!
- Yes, I’m a seeker. This is also known as a Millennial. I have varied passions, not all of which need to be fulfilled financially. It doesn’t make me unhappy.
- Yes, I’m ambitious. This could be interpreted as ladder-climbing or it could be interpreted as leadership skills. I am not a follower. I did not rise in my career because I demanded it. I rose in my career because I earned it. Not every moment was perfect and postcard-worthy. But I think they rarely are.
- Yes, I am an empath. It’s a weakness. I wear the emotions of others like the robe of skin in Silence of the Lambs. But I guess I’d rather be too empathic than not empathic at all. I’d rather feel all the world’s pain than be numb.
Well, this blog got heavy, huh?
I’ll see you back here when I’m externally closer to where society would like me to be: fulfilled by the present, thin, faultless, normal, and typing in a cubicle. Because to be a seeker is pretty exhausting, and I guess, what’s the point when it just makes you look weak?