I really screwed up this week. In a fit of anger, I vented about a friend to a mutual friend of ours (over text, no less). She had opened the door by inquiring about the status of my friendship with this other person, and I exploded. Word-vomited all over the phone. All the anger I had been storing up came out. And I meant every word of it, but the delivery was awful. It was stark and naked and furious. It was full of hurt and stemmed from what I saw as betrayal. My back had been broken from a recent straw and I vented to someone I shouldn’t have.
I never would have thought this mutual friend would immediately share my texts with the person I was upset with. Had I wanted to confront her, I would have done so in a much kinder and thoughtful way. But here my raw feelings were, laid bare and angry, and now I’ve lost several friendships. I have no regrets cutting out the person who had zero concerns sharing my innermost thoughts with someone they would hurt. And I honestly know that the feelings I had that caused such anger were real. They weren’t baseless. And I’m still hurting. But I don’t think of myself as a mean person and I was. So today, I grieve. I grieve for the possibility of ever rekindling a love and trust again for or from the friends I’d had. And I grieve for the kind person I thought I was, which I’m clearly not. Anger gets the best me sometimes. And it’s vile.
It’s been a hard year. That’s where a lot of this came from; this fury. I’ve gone on literally 30 business trips this year and recently returned to have my son clinging to me like a caged monkey, terrified I would leave again and not come back. Politics have taken a serious toll on my mental health, and the election I had invested everything in went the wrong way. I’ve gone through a seriously deep depression, which I had asked for help with from this friend, and she never followed up. B and I have been in an utter panic over childcare because we just don’t have enough resources to cover all the last-minute stuff that seems to happen. Work with my main client has been rough and I’ve been concerned about the future of the company. I’ve been a maid of honor and have been breaking my back (and wallet) to throw two bachelorette parties and a bridal shower (not that I’m upset about it – just another spinning ball). My child is in a very rough stage where he’s impossible to please and even more impossible to keep in one place for more than 30 seconds at a time (if he’s not running through a tunnel screaming joyfully, he’s on the floor rolling around like a worm and throwing a tantrum). I’ve had challenges with extended family. I’ve been taking classes outside of work. I’ve been really upset about my body image.
I felt like for all of the giving my heart had offered her, my friend didn’t know the first thing about me or any of my plights, nor did she care. I don’t know if that’s the reality but it’s certainly how it felt.
I don’t know where I go from here. I can’t say my feelings about the past have changed, so maybe it’s all for the best. I had a really good talk with the friend I hurt about everything, but the nerves are very raw on both sides and I’m not sure if we’ll move forward. I am deeply grateful she, while very hurt, was understanding about why I vented and knows how sorry I am that I brought a mutual person into it.
As human beings, we have some true evil inside of us. A yellow puss that runs through our hearts and backs up until the pressure is relieved. If you have a long-standing issue with someone, I encourage you to address it in a productive way, lest you do what I did and realize what an asshole you are.
Be kind. Be smart. Be suspicious. Be forgiving, and be apologetic. And if you can’t be all of those things, at least choose three.
30 Before 30 