Thought it might be ’bout time to check in on the ol’ list. It’s getting more challenging to meet goals because they’re bigger, more expensive, and probably more existential. Meh. Whatever.
Meanwhile, I read a book this week.
PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH
30. Climb a mountain.
29. Run a 10k. 28. Nail a handstand in yoga.
27. Get spiritual.
26. Learn a language.
25. Master a skill.
24. Read some books that actually mean something.
23. Develop some knowledge about cars.
22. Visit Thailand. — Planned for late May
21. Take a trip with my Dad.
20. See a Wonder of the World.
19. Take a cross-country road trip with Brandon.
18. Volunteer regularly somewhere for at least 6 months. — About 3 months in. Ish.
17. Turn off the T.V. for a week. 16. Finish my book.
15. Invest in 5 diversified stocks.
14. Build retirement fund.
13. Own a second home.
Holy crap, I haven’t done a single one of these. Am I behind the curve or just equally aligned with a bad curve?
EVOLVE MY RELATIONSHIPS
12. Get closer with my sister.
11. Go on a walk at least once a week with Brandon. — Let’s just get real. I have miserably failed at this.
10. Try something more sexually adventurous than usual. 9. Be a good in-law. 8. Send a real letter to a friend every month for a year.
TEST MY LIMITS
7. Zip line.
6. Participate in a big cultural event like a music festival or Oktoberfest.
5. Swim with a shark. Or at least sting rays.
4. Learn to surf. Or at least try. 3. Be personally responsible for winning a big piece of business.
2. Perform in a play or musical. — Let’s get real on this one, too: it may be karaoke or bust on this one. My acting resume’s latest “chops” include Rocky Horror from 12 years ago. And I don’t know that my workshop with Doug Hutchison is holding much clout these days.
1. Learn to be happy just as I am.
I’m facing some harsh realities about age and evolution, but maybe that’s okay. Like everything else in life, maybe learning to let go of false expectations is part of the process. We’ll see.
I’m a cat lady. I mean, probably not as much as Brandon is a cat lady, but I think I qualify.
We have four cats and two dogs. There, I said it. I pretend to only claim two of the cats as “ours,” but the other two basically live with us. Although if anyone wants them, please take them.
The bright side about being overrun with animals is that I. Really. Don’t. Want. Any. More. Which means I can finally volunteer with animals and be at zero-point-zero risk for walking out with one of them in my bag.
Cut to my last two months of me on Monday nights at PetSmart, scooping cat poops for some appreciative little felines. They’re all such sweeties, and I get to play with cats without taking them home. Which is exactly my attitude about children, incidentally.
It does feel good to give something back; I’d been feeling like a waste of worldly space and now at least I know that my contribution is helping out the life of someone else. I’m committing to at least 6 total months of volunteering, but I may keep it up even after that – we’ll see.
Meanwhile, my life is still a bit of a slag of waiting for Godot, although the next two months are filled with so much travel, I’m not sure how I’ll be able to do anything else. Could be worse! I thank my stars each day for a husband that deals with my moodiness, takes care of everything while I’m gone, supports all my weird decisions, encourages me to make time for fun, and gets me water every night.
I think I might be Brandon’s cat.
“To be free, one must give up a little part of one’s self.”
Insomnia crept in last night. It’s either sleeplessness or nightmares these days. Spinning faster, screaming into the void – and my dreams, conceitedly, always position me as the martyr.
I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, but lately, I’ve started to recognize the same trait in those I surround myself with. And there is no better partner, or people, to be surrounded by than those who would first give all of themselves to save just some of another person. That’s rare.
I’ve also started to theorize that there is a spectrum to falling in love. I don’t just love who these people are or what they give to me, I am in love with the people in my life who fiercely protect each other, act selflessly, act as a single unit to conquer all odds. Acquaintances become friends, become family, become the loves of my life.
And why the nightmares? Because I cannot protect them. I cannot fix everything, remove these burdens, give endlessly, be their voice forever. I have failed my loves and I’m close to losing myself in the process.
And that… sucks.
I escape into activities and bucket lists, drowning out the pounding beating of my anxious heart. And I will live another day and so will they. And I will post snarky, self-aggrandizing drivel on this blog.
But underneath, I’m just a little broken. So forgive my rudeness, forgive my forgetting to wish you a happy birthday, and forgive my jumping straight to anger and bypassing understanding. I need to keep reminding myself that life is big and grand and beautiful, and I see that evidenced in the faces of those I love so dearly.
In the end, I must remember I am a lucky girl.