My days of infantile optimism are over, which I think is the case for many of us in the U.S. — and, really, the world. We’re in some real hell-on-earth moments, broadly speaking, and my heart breaks a bit more every day. Through our inherent privilege, my family has been blessedly unaffected by a lot of the world’s troubles, but the two reasons we keep fighting are for the benefit of humanity (altruistic) and the knowledge that when you don’t fight for others, others won’t fight for you (nihilistic, perhaps).
It startles me to read my last entry, a full four years ago, and feel the same feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and faithlessness I felt when I wrote that poem. It was, albeit, an ableist poem, so I’ve grown since then for sure. It was also a prophetic poem, as I officially became an atheist a couple of years ago. It was evident to me then that there was no deity, but I wished I could bring myself to have faith that all this pain was worth something, knowing it wasn’t. Now, I’ve deconstructed fully and am actually quite comforted that what’s going on is, indeed, not planned by an almighty creator. The snake is simply eating its own tail.
It’s hard to look at my carefully curated list of “before 40” items I made when I was starry-eyed at age 30 and not feel wistful. The days when it felt like if you do what you’re supposed to, everything will work out. What a laughable fallacy these days. But life continues on, and I am so wonderfully “blessed,” as the religious might say, for all the privileges and beauty I have in life. Beauty that includes a loving husband, two incredible children, a wonderful roof over our heads, and–at least as long as she’ll have us–a lovely blind, diabetic dog who most certainly doesn’t appreciate my ableism, but tolerates us with grace.
And with that, I amend my list as I crest my 37th birthday and over a decade of this blog staying barely afloat with each annual GoDaddy charge.
TRAVEL A LOT
40. Machu Picchu. Duh.
39. Go to Australia.
38. Go to Africa.
37. Complete Handstands Across America. (To date, I’ve hit GA, SC, NC, TN, PA, WV, VA, FL, AZ, NY, NJ, CT, AL, CO, IL, and WY.)
Since this list, I added Nevada, Texas, Oklahoma, Washington D.C., Maryland, Indiana, Kentucky, Iowa.
36. Take Cameron to a place that’s non-English-speaking.
Mexico twice, and going to Europe this summer!
35. Take my mom on a vacation.
MAKE SOME MONEY
34. Increase my income by 10% at least one year.
33. Attend at least 5 networking events each year.
I hate this one and I’m not doing it. Ha!
32. Take a continuing education course in a related field.
I got my MBA in 2019!
BE A GOOD MOM
31. Help Cameron with his homework. Even when I don’t understand it.
He doesn’t have much homework yet in first grade, but I do help.
30. Log at least one solid moment where I go, “My kid made the choice to do the RIGHT thing.”
I think this ALL the time. Cam is an absolute joy, with the kindest heart of most people I know. Charlie, my youngest, at 4, is my fierce little spitfire who will also give you the shirt off her back. They are my proudest moments of the last eight years.
29. Tell Cameron EVERY SINGLE DAY that I love him.
Always – to both my kids.
BE A GOOD WIFE
28. Show Brandon at least once a month how much I really appreciate him – even when he’s driving me COMPLETELY INSANE for whatever reason.
I’ve been lacking some of this as everything gets chaotic. We moved to two new states over the last four years and, like most people, prioritize our marriage less than we should when things get busy.
27. Have a date night alone with Brandon at least once a month.
Doing this much more since we moved to North Carolina!
DISCONNECT
26. Give up Facebook (or whatever the hot thing of the moment is) for a SOLID month.
25. Go on at least 10 family outings completely without my phone.
I haven’t numerically kept track of this but I probably haven’t gotten to ten yet. I’ll aim to do five more.
24. Turn off the TV for a month. Before 30, I struggled to do this for a week. Let’s up the game.
We did a screen-free week the other week and it was hard, but a welcome respite. Gearing up for a month sounds really intimidating, but I think it will be worth it. And if I can’t force myself to do that during an entire decade of my life, what am I doing?
STAY HEALTHY
23. Run another 15k.
22. Take fitness classes at least once a week for 6 months – jazzercise, dance, Zumba, kickboxing, yoga… whatever.
Between changing cities a number of times and being cooped up during the pandemic, I really deprioritized this, but I do have a plan to make this happen.
21. Go a month without alcohol.
I did this, of course, when I was pregnant, but doing it with intentionality is a bit different. I’ve probably inherently gone a few weeks without a drink–I drink a lot less than I used to–but I plan to try a full month (on purpose) this summer or fall.
20. Go a month without bread.
BE ADVENTUROUS
19. Participate in a big cultural event (like I wanted to before 30 :).
I don’t know that I’ll get to this one, honestly. The idea of crowds these days makes me nervous for many reasons. I’m going to a festival in September, but the idea of going to Oktoberfest or the Running of the Bulls or whatever sounds incredibly unappealing at best and frightening at worst (especially in the U.S., where shootings are always on the mind). So I’m going to give myself permission to drop this goal.
18. Run for a public office.
I have no interest these days in running for public office, but I did run–and lose–for a school board seat. I do better calling, protesting, and chasing politicians than I do trying to be one, I think. I know myself well enough in my thirties to realize I don’t have, or even want, the level of charisma it takes to be an elected official. I’m also realistic enough these days to realize it takes a level of money I will never have, want to commit, or devote to raise.
17. Learn another new skill (welding, embroidery, calligraphy, etc).
I forgot this was on my list but I’m excited to do it! I did write a novella recently, though.
CHILL OUT
16. Do absolutely nothing for a full weekend.
Thanks, Covid!
15. Write in a journal every day for a month.
14. Read a few more classic books.
Signed, sealed, and delivered on this goal. I’ve read almost all the major religious texts, plus other various classics like Pride and Prejudice, The Divine Comedy, and more. I do at least 100 Goodreads entries per year (not-so-humblebrag).
Here’s what I’ll say. If you’re going to read something dense, I recommend reading a physical version of it rather than an audiobook. Did I read The Divine Comedy? Yes. Could I tell you much about it? No.
13. Go on vacation somewhere that’s purely relaxing, not necessarily an “adventure” destination, just to enjoy it.
I went to Aruba alone for 10 days in 2021 and it was pure bliss!
BE A GOOD FRIEND
13. Send care packages to 10 friends for no good reason.
12. Check in more often on friends who are going through crappy times.
I have really tried to get out of my bubble to help those around me, especially when the world feels overwhelming.
PROTECT MY INVESTMENTS
11. Get my retirement savings to $500k by age 40.
The way things are these days, some of these financial goals feel a little gross now. Like… the privilege here. So what I’ll say about these is I have personal goals I’m proud of achieving but try to balance out with giving back a lot. We’ve saved well, we’ve invested well, but we also see others and try to do “good” and “right” with what we have. So my goal is to keep doing that and not get too sucked into the Capitalist machine. I’m just dropping all of the financial goals here altogether. The only one I’ll actually say whether or not we’ve met is the last one. I’m proud of that goal.
10. Diversify my investments – BitCoin? International real estate? Etc?
9. Keep 6 months worth of savings in the bank “just in case.”
8. Keep, and stick to, a freakin’ budget for 6 months (to start).
7. Start a trust fund for Cam, and keep his college money saving.
6. Get smarter about investing – take a class in stock trading or similar.
5. Donate $10k to charity/a good cause.
We’ve done this a couple times over the years. This is the only goal I’ll state that we’ve met because I’m proud of it and encourage others to give what they can.
WOAH, BUDDY
4. Flip/renovate a house.
3. Own chickens.
2. Move internationally for a period of time.
1. This one is my secret. But I expect to reveal it next year.
I got my MBA.
30 Before 30 