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My days of infantile optimism are over, which I think is the case for many of us in the U.S. — and, really, the world. We’re in some real hell-on-earth moments, broadly speaking, and my heart breaks a bit more every day. Through our inherent privilege, my family has been blessedly unaffected by a lot of the world’s troubles, but the two reasons we keep fighting are for the benefit of humanity (altruistic) and the knowledge that when you don’t fight for others, others won’t fight for you (nihilistic, perhaps).

It startles me to read my last entry, a full four years ago, and feel the same feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and faithlessness I felt when I wrote that poem. It was, albeit, an ableist poem, so I’ve grown since then for sure. It was also a prophetic poem, as I officially became an atheist a couple of years ago. It was evident to me then that there was no deity, but I wished I could bring myself to have faith that all this pain was worth something, knowing it wasn’t. Now, I’ve deconstructed fully and am actually quite comforted that what’s going on is, indeed, not planned by an almighty creator. The snake is simply eating its own tail.

It’s hard to look at my carefully curated list of “before 40” items I made when I was starry-eyed at age 30 and not feel wistful. The days when it felt like if you do what you’re supposed to, everything will work out. What a laughable fallacy these days. But life continues on, and I am so wonderfully “blessed,” as the religious might say, for all the privileges and beauty I have in life. Beauty that includes a loving husband, two incredible children, a wonderful roof over our heads, and–at least as long as she’ll have us–a lovely blind, diabetic dog who most certainly doesn’t appreciate my ableism, but tolerates us with grace.

And with that, I amend my list as I crest my 37th birthday and over a decade of this blog staying barely afloat with each annual GoDaddy charge.

TRAVEL A LOT

40. Machu Picchu. Duh.

39. Go to Australia.

38. Go to Africa.

37. Complete Handstands Across America. (To date, I’ve hit GA, SC, NC, TN, PA, WV, VA, FL, AZ, NY, NJ, CT, AL, CO, IL, and WY.)

Since this list, I added Nevada, Texas, Oklahoma, Washington D.C., Maryland, Indiana, Kentucky, Iowa.

36. Take Cameron to a place that’s non-English-speaking.

Mexico twice, and going to Europe this summer!

35. Take my mom on a vacation.

MAKE SOME MONEY

34. Increase my income by 10% at least one year.

33. Attend at least 5 networking events each year.

I hate this one and I’m not doing it. Ha!

32. Take a continuing education course in a related field.

I got my MBA in 2019!

BE A GOOD MOM

31. Help Cameron with his homework. Even when I don’t understand it.

He doesn’t have much homework yet in first grade, but I do help.

30. Log at least one solid moment where I go, “My kid made the choice to do the RIGHT thing.”

I think this ALL the time. Cam is an absolute joy, with the kindest heart of most people I know. Charlie, my youngest, at 4, is my fierce little spitfire who will also give you the shirt off her back. They are my proudest moments of the last eight years.

29. Tell Cameron EVERY SINGLE DAY that I love him.

Always – to both my kids.

BE A GOOD WIFE

28. Show Brandon at least once a month how much I really appreciate him – even when he’s driving me COMPLETELY INSANE for whatever reason.

I’ve been lacking some of this as everything gets chaotic. We moved to two new states over the last four years and, like most people, prioritize our marriage less than we should when things get busy.

27. Have a date night alone with Brandon at least once a month.

Doing this much more since we moved to North Carolina!

DISCONNECT

26. Give up Facebook (or whatever the hot thing of the moment is) for a SOLID month.

25. Go on at least 10 family outings completely without my phone.

I haven’t numerically kept track of this but I probably haven’t gotten to ten yet. I’ll aim to do five more.

24. Turn off the TV for a month. Before 30, I struggled to do this for a week. Let’s up the game.

We did a screen-free week the other week and it was hard, but a welcome respite. Gearing up for a month sounds really intimidating, but I think it will be worth it. And if I can’t force myself to do that during an entire decade of my life, what am I doing?

STAY HEALTHY

23. Run another 15k.

22. Take fitness classes at least once a week for 6 months – jazzercise, dance, Zumba, kickboxing, yoga… whatever.

Between changing cities a number of times and being cooped up during the pandemic, I really deprioritized this, but I do have a plan to make this happen.

21. Go a month without alcohol.

I did this, of course, when I was pregnant, but doing it with intentionality is a bit different. I’ve probably inherently gone a few weeks without a drink–I drink a lot less than I used to–but I plan to try a full month (on purpose) this summer or fall.

20. Go a month without bread.

BE ADVENTUROUS

19. Participate in a big cultural event (like I wanted to before 30 :).

I don’t know that I’ll get to this one, honestly. The idea of crowds these days makes me nervous for many reasons. I’m going to a festival in September, but the idea of going to Oktoberfest or the Running of the Bulls or whatever sounds incredibly unappealing at best and frightening at worst (especially in the U.S., where shootings are always on the mind). So I’m going to give myself permission to drop this goal.

18. Run for a public office.

I have no interest these days in running for public office, but I did run–and lose–for a school board seat. I do better calling, protesting, and chasing politicians than I do trying to be one, I think. I know myself well enough in my thirties to realize I don’t have, or even want, the level of charisma it takes to be an elected official. I’m also realistic enough these days to realize it takes a level of money I will never have, want to commit, or devote to raise.

17. Learn another new skill (welding, embroidery, calligraphy, etc).

I forgot this was on my list but I’m excited to do it! I did write a novella recently, though.

CHILL OUT

16. Do absolutely nothing for a full weekend.

Thanks, Covid!

15. Write in a journal every day for a month.

14. Read a few more classic books.

Signed, sealed, and delivered on this goal. I’ve read almost all the major religious texts, plus other various classics like Pride and Prejudice, The Divine Comedy, and more. I do at least 100 Goodreads entries per year (not-so-humblebrag).

Here’s what I’ll say. If you’re going to read something dense, I recommend reading a physical version of it rather than an audiobook. Did I read The Divine Comedy? Yes. Could I tell you much about it? No.

13. Go on vacation somewhere that’s purely relaxing, not necessarily an “adventure” destination, just to enjoy it.

I went to Aruba alone for 10 days in 2021 and it was pure bliss!

BE A GOOD FRIEND

13. Send care packages to 10 friends for no good reason.

12. Check in more often on friends who are going through crappy times.

I have really tried to get out of my bubble to help those around me, especially when the world feels overwhelming.

PROTECT MY INVESTMENTS

11. Get my retirement savings to $500k by age 40.

The way things are these days, some of these financial goals feel a little gross now. Like… the privilege here. So what I’ll say about these is I have personal goals I’m proud of achieving but try to balance out with giving back a lot. We’ve saved well, we’ve invested well, but we also see others and try to do “good” and “right” with what we have. So my goal is to keep doing that and not get too sucked into the Capitalist machine. I’m just dropping all of the financial goals here altogether. The only one I’ll actually say whether or not we’ve met is the last one. I’m proud of that goal.

10. Diversify my investments – BitCoin? International real estate? Etc?

9. Keep 6 months worth of savings in the bank “just in case.”

8. Keep, and stick to, a freakin’ budget for 6 months (to start).

7. Start a trust fund for Cam, and keep his college money saving.

6. Get smarter about investing – take a class in stock trading or similar.

5. Donate $10k to charity/a good cause.

We’ve done this a couple times over the years. This is the only goal I’ll state that we’ve met because I’m proud of it and encourage others to give what they can.

WOAH, BUDDY

4. Flip/renovate a house.

3. Own chickens.

2. Move internationally for a period of time.

1. This one is my secret. But I expect to reveal it next year.

I got my MBA.

Close the door on days gone by

Favor lost, too late to try

Betrayal’s ripe, emotions high

Sad that now this means goodbye

 

Force me when you steal the show

To be the roadie, set in tow

I had to serve the final blow

In naked rage, I served it low

 

I regret the way we died

But feel relieved to end the lies

Omission serves its own refrain

When battered hearts become remains

 

I needed time to test your gaze

Waited for your turn of phrase

To tell me you would count me in

As I had counted you, a friend

 

Jealous odor foul in air

The friendship fabric starts to tear

Goodbye to you, and you, and her

We’ll part with echoed awkward words

 

I’ll sate my hunger other ways

Plenty more to fill my plate

But I’m still haunted by the ways I tried

Sacrificed now to days gone by

So I’ve accomplished another goal on the list: as of this month, I’ve exceeded last year’s income by at least 10% so far. It has been a whirlwind and I’m as shocked as I am grateful, but I am bone tired.

It’s hard to walk away from opportunities when you work for yourself. You never know when your next paycheck is coming. I keep getting asked for more, more, more of myself and there are limited amounts to give. I fee like a lazy mom, an absent wife, and a mediocre worker because I am burning the candle from both ends, working 60 hours a week. The travel is uncontrollable. I need a break.

I am going on vacation with my mom and sis in a week, so I’m hoping that’s a good detox. Right now, I’m just trying to figure out what to do. I don’t have the answers. And you expect it to get so much easier as you get older – it just gets harder. We may grow all the time, but I don’t think we ever fully grow up.

In my Before 30 list, I began knocking out initiatives by starting with the low-hanging fruit: the “easy” things that seemed like bite-sized accomplishments. “Read some books that mean something.” “Send a letter each month to a friend.” Etc.

Looking through my Before 40 list, I realize… ain’t many “easy” items. Which is probably a good thing, but it’s a little intimidating. My reasoning was that this time around, I had 10 years to accomplish everything, but I neglected to factor in difficulty level in general and how much it would de-motivate me to even bother.

So I’m starting with what I’d consider the easiest item of the list, which, let’s be honest, isn’t exactly easy… running another 15k.

I’ve been training since November–which, let me tell you, confirms how out-of-shape I’ve gotten–and over the last few weeks, my workouts have been closer to 4 and 5 miles at a time. This is a huge improvement over the 1-mile runs I was taking in November. Now, this Saturday, I have my big 15k – about 9 miles. I’m not pressuring myself to do it in any kind of speed or timeframe, but they do shut the course down at 2 hours and 15 minutes, so I guess that’s the only consideration. I think I’ll squarely beat that.

I’m proud that I’ve made time for exercise as often as I have during my first year as a mom. Cam turned 1 a couple of weeks ago and it’s been a trip! But he also forces me to focus on the moment and enjoy the present, which is something I struggle to do.

Wish me luck on Saturday. I’ll need energy to wake up at the crack of dawn in the first place.

I’m approaching the 2 year mark of the day I took a giant leap and became a freelancer – a worker in the “gig economy” and a terrifying foray into an unpredictable, unreliable industry.

I guess I never really articulated on here why I pursued this path in the first place. At times, I struggled with the details myself.

• I wanted to be my own boss.
• I had been at multiple jobs during massive waves of layoffs, and although I was fortunately spared in both cases, it made me realize that advertising is inherently untrustworthy when it comes to predictable employment. I knew freelancing was a risk, but if I could drum up enough business, I would actually be diversifying that risk so if the bottom fell out with one client, I had others to fall back on.
• Without becoming a VP or higher (which comes with its own stressors and challenges, including a higher risk of layoff potential), I had tapped out the top of my salary and I wanted the ability to control that faucet if things went well.

But the number ONE reason I began freelancing was that I wanted flexibility. Flexibility to choose my projects and clients, work as much or as little as I wanted, create my own schedule, and work from home (or wherever I was traveling). That was ultimately the dream. It was a risky dream – giving up consistency for flexibility. Things could have completely bombed. I feared I wouldn’t get enough business, or I wasn’t good enough to command my hourly rate. You know… whatever terror often goes with making a leap like this. And it’s wise to have that fear. I sucked at a lot of the business crap at first. It was like getting a business degree on the fly.

But Brandon and I talked deeply and decided that the timing would never be better to give it a shot. We worked out our worst, likely, and best-case scenarios and planned how we would attack things if “shit hit the fan.” I researched accountants and S-Corps and benefits. I laid a base with my leads and started blogging to generate some LinkedIn interest. And I’m thrilled that after nearly two years of hard work, I have had only a couple of months (the first month and last July) when I wasn’t 100% booked with work at least 40 hours per week. And it was my choice to take all of that on.

Demand has grown for my skillset and I sometimes have to politely decline leads, which I don’t at all take for granted. It kills me when I have to say no – I feel supremely privileged and fortunate. The reason I bring this up is because it’s led me to consider expanding and starting my own thing – sub-contracting folks under me and building more of a brand. I think there’s a great market out there and a lot of people who are interested, as I was, in this freelancing dream (scary as it is). There are a ton of moms who, like me, enjoy the idea of working part-time and have a lot to offer, but our industry isn’t set up for that in a formal way. I could see it working and I think the person who does it will be really successful. And maybe rich.

But I realized something recently that’s about me and me only, and it was difficult to come to terms with: I’m okay with my current level of success. I don’t need to build an empire, even if I could (and it’s a debate if I could at all, of course!). The reasons I pursued freelancing in the first place weren’t about world domination and retiring early. It was about finding a balance and diversifying my challenges. Being happier. Spending more time with my family. Traveling when I want to. Learning and growing every day. Maybe making some extra money – or choosing not to and having more time on my hands instead. Not being a CEO.

As Americans, it is implied from birth that the American dream means bigger and better; business ownership and, ultimately, Trump-like name recognition on your buildings or thousands of employees on your payroll. I thought for a long time that might be something I wanted. And God knows if I could ever make that happen at all. But I recently realized… I don’t know if that’s me. I don’t know if I want that stress, that risk, that responsibility.

Maybe having a lifestyle business that supports my family and gives me what I want IS ENOUGH. At very least – it’s enough for now.

I’ve seen my baby grow all year and we spend lots of time hanging as a family. I can confidently say I saw his first steps, and that makes me so happy. I can take a lunch break with him and his dad. We can keep him in part-time childcare so his dad can work, but Brandon loves having Mondays and Tuesdays as daddy/son time.

I don’t often work past 6pm. I work with companies and clients I’m passionate about, and I don’t feel like a slave to the business because I’m only responsible for my family – not for the families of a bunch of employees. I don’t have to manage anyone, have their one-on-ones, deal with too much political drama in the office. And I can’t tell you how refreshing that is (although I have to admit, I love mentoring employees… you don’t need to be their official “boss” to do that, though!).

As an ambitious person always trying to grow and succeed, it’s been a weird realization to come to – and honestly has very little to do with me becoming a mom. It has to do with realizing there’s more to life than work. And as I put my bullet journal together this year, it was fun to fill it with as much stuff focused on my life as I did for stuff focused on work. May we all have that kind of opportunity.

So to all my fellow dreamers, do you. Build your empire – or don’t. Be a badass boss babe, work for yourself, find a 9-5 that respects your time, or build a plan for passive income. There are so many ways to live life – we don’t all have to pursue the same things, and that’s part of what makes our experiences rich. There is still WAY too much inequality of opportunity in this world and it’s my sincere hope that we are soon able to see our way out of that as a country. (It’s a bunch of crap that I have the ability to pursue my dreams when so many others simply can’t.) But for me… I’m good where I am. And I just cross my fingers I can keep the status quo going. I am so freaking lucky and so freaking grateful.

I’m part of a group of self-identifying women on Facebook, thousands of lovely, like-minded women who support each other, ask questions about where to buy hemp milk, whatever. It’s oozing with crunchiness, hippy-dippiness, and over-sensitivity. And I was stupid enough to ask for some friendly advice.

We’ve been toying with the idea of getting a second home outside the country, potentially living there one day, as we’re concerned with the education and healthcare systems in America, as well as our culture of consumerism-at-all-costs. The divide that has happened in this country leading up to, and since, the election also has us sad and concerned for the country’s future. And having lived abroad as a child myself, I can attest to the change it creates in you to experience another culture when you’re young. I want that for Cameron.

Most of the comments on the post were friendly and helpful; giving me advice about Visas and taxes, making suggestions about countries that might make sense. But some interpreted my highly early-stage question as some sort of assumption that we could move wherever we wanted and were owed things from the world. They further ripped me for having a “white child” and suggested that we could find exactly what we wanted in Atlanta since we were so privileged already.

I shouldn’t let trolls get to me, but the reaction really put me into a dark hole. I try so hard, every day, to understand and acknowledge my privilege. We live in a diverse neighborhood because we like being around people who are different from us. It is my #1 goal as a parent to ensure Cameron uses his privilege the right way. We volunteer, donate, give to the homeless and treat them as neighbors. We fight for those without a voice. We march. We rally. I call my representatives, and often. It saddens and infuriates me to feel like there’s literally nothing I can do to make some people happy. That because I have certain things and others don’t, that I deserve to be treated like garbage or told my family doesn’t have a right to try and pursue happiness as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else.

I don’t have any more to give. I have been screaming into an endless void for a year now, trying to use my voice for those who can’t speak. Unlearning racism. Acknowledging my privilege. Teaching my child to do the same.

And here I am. Square one. Diminished and embarrassed, like being unhappy with this country is a right reserved only for the disenfranchised.

I am endlessly fortunate, for so, so many things. And I am eternally grateful. But sometimes I don’t think it’s enough until I also feel un-endingly guilty as well. Like I have to bleed to somehow make things square.

Is this how right Right feels? Is this why they hate us? Because we can’t see beyond our own noses to recognize the people at the end of them?