To Be Free

“To be free, one must give up a little part of one’s self.”

Insomnia crept in last night. It’s either sleeplessness or nightmares these days. Spinning faster, screaming into the void – and my dreams, conceitedly, always position me as the martyr.

I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, but lately, I’ve started to recognize the same trait in those I surround myself with. And there is no better partner, or people, to be surrounded by than those who would first give all of themselves to save just some of another person. That’s rare.

I’ve also started to theorize that there is a spectrum to falling in love. I don’t just love who these people are or what they give to me, I am in love with the people in my life who fiercely protect each other, act selflessly, act as a single unit to conquer all odds. Acquaintances become friends, become family, become the loves of my life.

And why the nightmares? Because I cannot protect them. I cannot fix everything, remove these burdens, give endlessly, be their voice forever. I have failed my loves and I’m close to losing myself in the process.

And that… sucks.

I escape into activities and bucket lists, drowning out the pounding beating of my anxious heart. And I will live another day and so will they. And I will post snarky, self-aggrandizing drivel on this blog.

But underneath, I’m just a little broken. So forgive my rudeness, forgive my forgetting to wish you a happy birthday, and forgive my jumping straight to anger and bypassing understanding. I need to keep reminding myself that life is big and grand and beautiful, and I see that evidenced in the faces of those I love so dearly.

In the end, I must remember I am a lucky girl.

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