30 Before 30

Sometimes things happen without effort or intention; for better or worse. And sometimes those things are on your bucket list. Go figure.

Today I swam with a sting ray. And I don’t think I ever want to swim with the sharks.

So there you go.

5

Life is crazy, work can be insane, but I’m trying to remind myself to let it go. Everyone I respect has been telling me lately that I can’t control everything; I can’t change the world by myself and if I try, I’m going to drive myself nuts. Maybe I already have.

My mentor, Deborah, kindly reminded me of how far I’ve come already, so to take it easy and slow down. Just be.

My “work big brother” Dave was less polite but equally right when he told me to stop worrying about shit that wasn’t mine to fix anyway.

Tough love is effective.

I’m in San Antonio on a shoot now, trying to bask in the perfect metaphor that’s been presented to me. We are here to shoot the sunset and it Won’t. Stop. Raining.

Something is out there controlling the universe… or they’re not. But regardless, it can’t and won’t be me. So I’m just going to breathe and let it go.

I’m stuck in a rut.

I approach my 28^th birthday, halfway through this life improvement initiative, and I am drowning in bad television, wine, and utter exhaustion.

All my yoga and running fell by the wayside once I ran my first 15k. My achievement quickly became my excuse. As a result, I’m considering signing up for a half marathon to re-motivate myself to get back in the game.

We’re going to Thailand, but incidentally, this puts us behind our savings game. All my financial goals for myself have gone in the way of travel… which, I guess, is what happens when you create a list of conflicting priorities for yourself.

I’m having so much trouble staying positive and inspired. I need a dramatic life change, and although I’m not particularly a pray-er, I’m doing some serious soul-searching to determine what’s really missing. I’m drained emotionally, physically, and spiritually. All the good in my life is something only others are pointing out instead of me seeing it for myself.

Is it that life needs to be about establishing some arduous list of goals to reach for? Or is it that having the list is reminding me how I’m constantly failing at something? To try and achieve a full reformation as a human in 4 years, in retrospect, seems so naïve. But what’s life worth if you can’t even honor a commitment to yourself?

Thought it might be ’bout time to check in on the ol’ list. It’s getting more challenging to meet goals because they’re bigger, more expensive, and probably more existential. Meh. Whatever.

Meanwhile, I read a book this week.

I’m facing some harsh realities about age and evolution, but maybe that’s okay. Like everything else in life, maybe learning to let go of false expectations is part of the process. We’ll see.

“To be free, one must give up a little part of one’s self.”

Insomnia crept in last night. It’s either sleeplessness or nightmares these days. Spinning faster, screaming into the void – and my dreams, conceitedly, always position me as the martyr.

I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, but lately, I’ve started to recognize the same trait in those I surround myself with. And there is no better partner, or people, to be surrounded by than those who would first give all of themselves to save just some of another person. That’s rare.

I’ve also started to theorize that there is a spectrum to falling in love. I don’t just love who these people are or what they give to me, I am in love with the people in my life who fiercely protect each other, act selflessly, act as a single unit to conquer all odds. Acquaintances become friends, become family, become the loves of my life.

And why the nightmares? Because I cannot protect them. I cannot fix everything, remove these burdens, give endlessly, be their voice forever. I have failed my loves and I’m close to losing myself in the process.

And that… sucks.

I escape into activities and bucket lists, drowning out the pounding beating of my anxious heart. And I will live another day and so will they. And I will post snarky, self-aggrandizing drivel on this blog.

But underneath, I’m just a little broken. So forgive my rudeness, forgive my forgetting to wish you a happy birthday, and forgive my jumping straight to anger and bypassing understanding. I need to keep reminding myself that life is big and grand and beautiful, and I see that evidenced in the faces of those I love so dearly.

In the end, I must remember I am a lucky girl.